Rehearsal day seven.

Apparently the singers had been asking Lazy Ass Stage Manager (LASM) for 4 DAYS if she would sweep and mop the floors (the dust was bothering them), and guess what?  She didn't do it. 

Also, the bathroom has been out of toilet paper for two days, which had also been mentioned to her. She didn't DO it. 

Then got an email from lighting designer wondering where the rehearsal reports where and if any had been sent out.  SHE DIDN'T DO IT!

Goddamnit. Somebody just kill me. 

Prod meeting number one.

Only the lighting designer showed up.  WTF?

When I checked my phone (which had been on silent all day due to my momentous amount of meetings) I had over seven voicemails, three of them from set, stage management and hair/make-up all cancelling at the last minute, and the other FOUR from Batshit Insane Costumer (BIC). 

The first vm from BIC stared out normally- the usual  “I won't be there because I forgot about some dumbass conflict I had, blah blah blah”

The second vm was 45 seconds longer than the first, and was mostly just repeating what had been said in the first one with less train of thought.

The third vm was just a blathering of apologies, most of which I couldn’t understand.

The fourth vm was simply the sound of crying for ten seconds, then BIC hung up.

Dear baby Jesus in heaven.

The thoughts going through my head:  It is two weeks before we open. Half the costumes are already done.  I am just going to have to deal with this crazy person, aren’t I? Why yes, AD, you are.  Luck you. 

Rehearsal day one.

"Stage Manager, could you please let the singers know what their calls are tomorrow?" - Me

"Um... I don't even know".- Lazy Ass Stage Manager


I PRINTED OUT A SCHEDULE AND PUT IT ON THE FUCKING SIGN IN BOARD WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND LOOK AT IT AND GIVE THE CALL AND OH, BTW WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU HAVE A PRINTED COPY IN YOUR PAPERWORK, YOU ARE THE FUCKING STAGE MANAGER!!!!!!!!!

Breathing.  Breathing.  Breathing.

The General Director and I commiserated.  We decided to use local actors only as spear holders. 

Well, that blew up in our faces.

 One quit/was fired 3 days before the first rehearsal over FACEBOOK, when he let me know that he didn't own a FUCKING CAR.  He thought his wife might be able to drive him to rehearsal (even though HE'S GAY), and told me he'd give me "notice" when he couldn't be at rehearsal. Right, because we just schedule rehearsals at a WHIM, so just let me know what's convenient for you, SPEAR HOLDER.

  The other quit less than 24 hours before the first rehearsal, thanking me for the "offer", even though she had a signed contract and we'd already built her goddamned costume.  And she's not a standard size.  There's no Trolls'R'Us  in town that I can sell her costume to.

Supernumeraries.  Not so super. 

 When my staffers make up excuses so they don't have to show up or do their work, I enter the excuses in my calendar.  Let's do a time line, shall we?

So, your dad fell in December.
Your mom fell in February.
Your aunt died in February.
Your dad fell again in March.
Your best friend's mom died in March.
You have to go move your aunt into the nursing home WAIT, WTF?  Didn't she die in February?

oh....no........that's my other aunt................

Two days before the first rehearsal of our last production, my stage manager (Equity, mind you), emails me to say - "uhh, so my day job changed my hours, and uhh, I can't come to any of the shows, and uhhh, I can come to like the last hour of rehearsals on a few days."   Mind you, she didn't even have the balls to just quit - she threw it in my lap.  Via email.  Bad idea.

So, I call her.  After some calm but pointed back and forth she degenerates to "well, I have to feed my family!!" to which I then hold out my phone in front of my face and YELL: "Then you shouldn't BE IN FUCKING THEATRE!!!" and hang up.

A very tasty post-script: Karma is a bitch!

 The very next show she did, she directed.  She couldn't believe that HER stage manager quit three days before production.  HA! And I call that- INSTAKARMA.

Thank you universe.  I owe you one. 

What was that, Artistic Director?  Your development intern quit on you two weeks before the fundraiser? 

I'm sorry. :(

Did she also steal all your silent auction contacts and give them to another organization in town and then have the balls to tell you she didn't do it even though their silent auction table had the exact same items as yours?

Cause mine did.