The General Director and I commiserated.  We decided to use local actors only as spear holders. 

Well, that blew up in our faces.

 One quit/was fired 3 days before the first rehearsal over FACEBOOK, when he let me know that he didn't own a FUCKING CAR.  He thought his wife might be able to drive him to rehearsal (even though HE'S GAY), and told me he'd give me "notice" when he couldn't be at rehearsal. Right, because we just schedule rehearsals at a WHIM, so just let me know what's convenient for you, SPEAR HOLDER.

  The other quit less than 24 hours before the first rehearsal, thanking me for the "offer", even though she had a signed contract and we'd already built her goddamned costume.  And she's not a standard size.  There's no Trolls'R'Us  in town that I can sell her costume to.

Supernumeraries.  Not so super. 

 When my staffers make up excuses so they don't have to show up or do their work, I enter the excuses in my calendar.  Let's do a time line, shall we?

So, your dad fell in December.
Your mom fell in February.
Your aunt died in February.
Your dad fell again in March.
Your best friend's mom died in March.
You have to go move your aunt into the nursing home WAIT, WTF?  Didn't she die in February?

oh....no........that's my other aunt................

Two days before the first rehearsal of our last production, my stage manager (Equity, mind you), emails me to say - "uhh, so my day job changed my hours, and uhh, I can't come to any of the shows, and uhhh, I can come to like the last hour of rehearsals on a few days."   Mind you, she didn't even have the balls to just quit - she threw it in my lap.  Via email.  Bad idea.

So, I call her.  After some calm but pointed back and forth she degenerates to "well, I have to feed my family!!" to which I then hold out my phone in front of my face and YELL: "Then you shouldn't BE IN FUCKING THEATRE!!!" and hang up.

A very tasty post-script: Karma is a bitch!

 The very next show she did, she directed.  She couldn't believe that HER stage manager quit three days before production.  HA! And I call that- INSTAKARMA.

Thank you universe.  I owe you one. 

What was that, Artistic Director?  Your development intern quit on you two weeks before the fundraiser? 

I'm sorry. :(

Did she also steal all your silent auction contacts and give them to another organization in town and then have the balls to tell you she didn't do it even though their silent auction table had the exact same items as yours?

Cause mine did.  

Artistic Director, Still Life Photography

"My song is in the wrong key."

 No it's not.

You just haven't FUCKING LEARNED IT.

Why is it that bull dike pianists are the most hateful people on the planet?

Don't get me wrong, I love bull dikes.  If I were a lesbian, I would totally go for an Ellen over a Portia de Rossi.

Or Rachel Maddow.  Rachel Maddow's hot too.

But those bull dike pianists? They are a contemptuous breed.

Ah.  The day before the one and only rehearsal for the very important run-out this week.  Although we like to use local singers for these events, this decision is invariably wrought with a certain degree of peril on my part, as WITHOUT EXCEPTION, I will receive the obligatory I'm-so-busy-I-didn't-have-time-to-prepare-the-two-ensemble-songs-you-gave-me-over-a-month-ago-so-maybe-you-should-reassign-my-part-in-them-to-someone-else,-however-that-one-really-cool-song-you-assigned-me?-um-yeah,-I'll-still-sing-that-one! 

Unfortunately, I only got two of those today.  My highest record is four. MUST. WORK. HARDER.

Today I stood on a sidewalk passing out rack cards for the show and was called a "Street Urchin" by a woman in fur.

My bi-polar set designer just wigged out on me and told me I owed him money for the text I sent him asking him why he wasn't coming to the production meeting tonight.

Before I could respond, he started screaming about losing his mind, and then told me to stop freaking out.

I should be more concerned about this, I fear.

Development Director just let me know that the donor event she was planning had not, in fact, been planned.  Also, she's not sure she's the right person to try to secure corporate sponsorship.  Maybe a board member would be better suited- she thinks. 

She'd like to have a meeting to discuss her future with the company.  She's thinking if we secure her a "personal assistant" she can get a lot more done.


Blink. Blink.