Rehearsal day seven.

Apparently the singers had been asking Lazy Ass Stage Manager (LASM) for 4 DAYS if she would sweep and mop the floors (the dust was bothering them), and guess what?  She didn't do it. 

Also, the bathroom has been out of toilet paper for two days, which had also been mentioned to her. She didn't DO it. 

Then got an email from lighting designer wondering where the rehearsal reports where and if any had been sent out.  SHE DIDN'T DO IT!

Goddamnit. Somebody just kill me. 

Prod meeting number one.

Only the lighting designer showed up.  WTF?

When I checked my phone (which had been on silent all day due to my momentous amount of meetings) I had over seven voicemails, three of them from set, stage management and hair/make-up all cancelling at the last minute, and the other FOUR from Batshit Insane Costumer (BIC). 

The first vm from BIC stared out normally- the usual  “I won't be there because I forgot about some dumbass conflict I had, blah blah blah”

The second vm was 45 seconds longer than the first, and was mostly just repeating what had been said in the first one with less train of thought.

The third vm was just a blathering of apologies, most of which I couldn’t understand.

The fourth vm was simply the sound of crying for ten seconds, then BIC hung up.

Dear baby Jesus in heaven.

The thoughts going through my head:  It is two weeks before we open. Half the costumes are already done.  I am just going to have to deal with this crazy person, aren’t I? Why yes, AD, you are.  Luck you. 

Rehearsal day one.

"Stage Manager, could you please let the singers know what their calls are tomorrow?" - Me

"Um... I don't even know".- Lazy Ass Stage Manager


I PRINTED OUT A SCHEDULE AND PUT IT ON THE FUCKING SIGN IN BOARD WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND LOOK AT IT AND GIVE THE CALL AND OH, BTW WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU HAVE A PRINTED COPY IN YOUR PAPERWORK, YOU ARE THE FUCKING STAGE MANAGER!!!!!!!!!

Breathing.  Breathing.  Breathing.

The General Director and I commiserated.  We decided to use local actors only as spear holders. 

Well, that blew up in our faces.

 One quit/was fired 3 days before the first rehearsal over FACEBOOK, when he let me know that he didn't own a FUCKING CAR.  He thought his wife might be able to drive him to rehearsal (even though HE'S GAY), and told me he'd give me "notice" when he couldn't be at rehearsal. Right, because we just schedule rehearsals at a WHIM, so just let me know what's convenient for you, SPEAR HOLDER.

  The other quit less than 24 hours before the first rehearsal, thanking me for the "offer", even though she had a signed contract and we'd already built her goddamned costume.  And she's not a standard size.  There's no Trolls'R'Us  in town that I can sell her costume to.

Supernumeraries.  Not so super. 

 When my staffers make up excuses so they don't have to show up or do their work, I enter the excuses in my calendar.  Let's do a time line, shall we?

So, your dad fell in December.
Your mom fell in February.
Your aunt died in February.
Your dad fell again in March.
Your best friend's mom died in March.
You have to go move your aunt into the nursing home WAIT, WTF?  Didn't she die in February?

oh....no........that's my other aunt................

Two days before the first rehearsal of our last production, my stage manager (Equity, mind you), emails me to say - "uhh, so my day job changed my hours, and uhh, I can't come to any of the shows, and uhhh, I can come to like the last hour of rehearsals on a few days."   Mind you, she didn't even have the balls to just quit - she threw it in my lap.  Via email.  Bad idea.

So, I call her.  After some calm but pointed back and forth she degenerates to "well, I have to feed my family!!" to which I then hold out my phone in front of my face and YELL: "Then you shouldn't BE IN FUCKING THEATRE!!!" and hang up.

A very tasty post-script: Karma is a bitch!

 The very next show she did, she directed.  She couldn't believe that HER stage manager quit three days before production.  HA! And I call that- INSTAKARMA.

Thank you universe.  I owe you one. 

What was that, Artistic Director?  Your development intern quit on you two weeks before the fundraiser? 

I'm sorry. :(

Did she also steal all your silent auction contacts and give them to another organization in town and then have the balls to tell you she didn't do it even though their silent auction table had the exact same items as yours?

Cause mine did.  

Artistic Director, Still Life Photography

"My song is in the wrong key."

 No it's not.

You just haven't FUCKING LEARNED IT.

Why is it that bull dike pianists are the most hateful people on the planet?

Don't get me wrong, I love bull dikes.  If I were a lesbian, I would totally go for an Ellen over a Portia de Rossi.

Or Rachel Maddow.  Rachel Maddow's hot too.

But those bull dike pianists? They are a contemptuous breed.

Ah.  The day before the one and only rehearsal for the very important run-out this week.  Although we like to use local singers for these events, this decision is invariably wrought with a certain degree of peril on my part, as WITHOUT EXCEPTION, I will receive the obligatory I'm-so-busy-I-didn't-have-time-to-prepare-the-two-ensemble-songs-you-gave-me-over-a-month-ago-so-maybe-you-should-reassign-my-part-in-them-to-someone-else,-however-that-one-really-cool-song-you-assigned-me?-um-yeah,-I'll-still-sing-that-one! 

Unfortunately, I only got two of those today.  My highest record is four. MUST. WORK. HARDER.

Today I stood on a sidewalk passing out rack cards for the show and was called a "Street Urchin" by a woman in fur.

My bi-polar set designer just wigged out on me and told me I owed him money for the text I sent him asking him why he wasn't coming to the production meeting tonight.

Before I could respond, he started screaming about losing his mind, and then told me to stop freaking out.

I should be more concerned about this, I fear.

Development Director just let me know that the donor event she was planning had not, in fact, been planned.  Also, she's not sure she's the right person to try to secure corporate sponsorship.  Maybe a board member would be better suited- she thinks. 

She'd like to have a meeting to discuss her future with the company.  She's thinking if we secure her a "personal assistant" she can get a lot more done.


Blink. Blink.


 

Found out today that Marketing Assistant (the one who loves to have "jury duty"), sent a passive aggressive email to one of our prominent marketing partners telling him she no longer worked for us and would not be picking up the pr materials he made up for us, even though she was over 2 WEEKS LATE picking them up. 

Saga not over yet.

Also found out she sent an email to our Educational Director, asking her to please pick up all the banners, flyers and posters she had in her possession because she did not feel comfortable being "face to face" with me.

That's probably a good idea.  Cause I'm about to punch her. 




 

Received email from OTHER marketing person today (the assistant). This lovely little lady was on jury duty in a town 3 hours away during the entirety of our last production schedule.  "Jury Duty": fucking her boyfriend in a town 3 hours away on an extended spring break vacation.

N-E-Wayz- sooo glad she emailed me and let me know that her three private voice students and student loan debts will mean I must severely limit the amount of work she does for the company.

Also, when being assigned her limited amount of work, she would prefer the work has nothing to do with the following: passing out flyers, hanging posters, coordinating others to hang posters, selling ads, attending pr events, digital marketing, etc.

But, luckily, she let me know that if we still needed teachers for the new educational component, she was available.

Oh, and, can she still keep her company email address?  Kthxbye.


PS Today is my birthday. Perhaps I will have some cake.  With a side of despair.

Had to fire Marketing Director over Facebook- wouldn't answer her emails or phone.  Received most awesome break up letter ever from her. 

Dear AD,
I must say that I am very surprised and disappointed by this e-mail. Facebook is probably the best way to reach me. I cannot afford internet service at my house presently, and since I've been stuck at home I typically can only access things through my phone. Thank you for letting me know about my phone, I'm not sure why it wouldn't let you call me. My dad just came by my house because he had the same problem when trying to call me earlier this morning. It is working now.

I think that we have a huge misunderstanding here. Perhaps I didn't give you enough information about how serious my health problem was. This recovery period has taken me out of the loop on 99% of my activities. I've been in and out of treatment almost every day. It has also been hard to speak with anyone due to the device I have to wear right now. Then I was in a major car accident that has pretty much incapacitated me and left me to rely solely on other people. I'm very lucky to be alive right now.

I do apologize about not getting the money to you for that ad. Honestly, that has been the farthest thing from my mind. My car was totaled and I am still waiting to get the contents out of it.  I'm not usually the forgetful type, but I've been under too much pressure.   

Love (did she really just sign off with LOVE?)
Marketing Director

PS. Her facebook post 2 hours prior:
Lunch downtown with my mommy. ♥  Then DG party! Whoo!

Day 21- email from Marketing Director.  She's too sick to attend the pr event. Drove her car into a pole. Had a dentist appointment. Has no internet in her home or phone. Been throwing up all day. (ALL THIS IN ONE EMAIL!)

BUT.......


She forgot she's my friend on facebook.  Please enjoy the following statuses. 

April 12

It's never to early for a poolside cranberry vodka in the Florida sun.

April 11

 Bring on the gun range!

April 10

Of Montreal Concert.  Front Row. Perfect.

April 10

Flight #2 booked. :-)

March 30

Amazing vacation. Flying out first class tomorrow morning, and hot British guy complimenting my hair and eyes.

Day 20 of not hearing from my Marketing Director has prompted this blog.

Cricket.


Cricket.